Almost exactly a year ago, January 17th of 2017, I began my application process for BSSM. It was exam week(at South High School), and I distinctly remember hiding away in one of the unused classrooms during a free period to participate in a skype interview with staff from BSSM. BSSM, stands for Bethel's School of Supernatural Ministry and is a three year program that goes over Identity (1st Year), Leadership (2nd Year), and then as servant under a pastor or leader (3rd Year). Throughout each of these years we go over the Bible, Kingdom Values represented in the bible and lived out by Jesus (like gifts of the spirit, roles of the church, healing, apostles, etc.) and plenty of books from the key speakers like Bill Johnson. From September till May we're constantly learning and growing as a class and family.
Back in 2017, during this interview they asked personal questions of our testimony and personal struggles we have either dealt with or are currently dealing with. I felt pretty confident in my answers and in knowing what Christ has done for me, and was glad to find out a few weeks later that I had been accepted in!
That was January of 2017, and now it is January of 2018. I'm floored thinking of all the fantastic adventures I've had, and God's never-ending faithfulness through it all. In an earlier post, I got through my 2017 reflection, but that hadn't even made a dent in the change I have undergone through these past 5 months at BSSM.
Last year around this time, I was still healing from heart break, I was working hard to get healthy, including doing the Whole 30 which fasted foods with sugars and other requirements, and doing plenty of workouts in the gym at my school. Not to mention I was still working at Swimtastic and practicing swimming strokes as much as I could. I worked with kids at the Swim School, and at Heyer Elementary, and was constantly occupied with school, art, work, staying healthy, all the while battling with inward turmoil, guilt, and so many other emotions that I found myself broken multiple times. One occasion I was sobbing in the locker room and getting out any left over anger on the punching bags with bleeding knuckles at the gym. It's interesting what humans view as justice, and more specifically- justified punishment. Cause I punished myself by punching the mats so hard so that they would bleed. I felt as if I deserved it for the pain I caused a dear friend.
Sometimes because of shame, pain, or self worth (or lack of) we inflict pain/punishment on ourselves. This is called self harm. Not eating healthily by either overeating or eating too much on purpose isn't healthy and thus self harm. Not sleeping, isolating yourself, not meeting emotional and physical needs can all be considered self harm through not treating your body right. You're worth so much more than that. At the store, the value of an item is identified by how much someone pays for it right? If Jesus gave up his life, in exchange for yours, what does that say about your value? He paid the price, for your life, so you could live, because you are valued, and you are loved.
Punching mats, not eating right, etc., could be seen as self centered even, because insecurities are still self absorbed, but reveal inner lies and pain that needs to be addressed.
Now these are intimate matters and I would never dream of revealing secrets or private struggles of someone else, but overcoming pain and finding healing is part of my story and something I'd be passionate in helping others through.. because Papa God has been so generous in giving me grace to help my process of healing and overcoming so many lies that I hadn't even realized I was believing. And such lies were buried by so much shame that it hurt to try and expose them and so I hid them in the dark. But when you're under the outpouring of the Father's love, his light floods every area of our heart and you can't help but become exposed and undone.
During BSSM such lies will be exposed because we live in a revivalist culture, centered around Papa God and his unconditional love that constantly pours and pours and pours. We just need to learn how to position ourselves under it and process all of the dirt it exposes and allow him to keep cleaning everything he finds deep inside, but to focus on his grace and not our mistakes. Because Jesus paid the price for our punishment on the cross, he bore the shame of a criminal in our place, and as our old sinful lives have died with him, we also rise again with him as new creations in his glory. We were made for glory, and remade to be like him, who is alive and holy.
And you are also made holy and loved.
Obviously I don't want to diminish your pain or what you've been going through. This has been a long year and a half of processing and finally finding healing. I encourage you to talk about it, find someone you can trust, and take steps to learning how to love yourself.
One of these steps is intentionally trying asking God, or just yourself and processing what you believe about yourself.
For example, for the longest time I didn't believe I was beautiful. I didn't know that was a lie until it hurt too much to bare. It felt so good to believe that I was ugly... but I realized that's how Satan gets his way. For example: Let's say your mom made the best cookies ever, and you've already had 5. You know you shouldn't eat that 6th cookie, but you do anyway. It tastes sooo good in the moment, but later you have the worst stomach ache. Lies sound and taste good because its that satisfaction of temptation, but it only harms you because its not truth. God's truth is that you ARE beautiful or handsome, and knowing Jesus, He sets you free from any sin, lie, and pain. //The truth sets you free//
Taking a step to loving yourself, is getting to the root of the issues, which usually is a lie.
Some of the major lies and truths that God has been revealing in my own heart thus far, and if you identify with any of these, feel free to repent of the lies yourself and declare God's truths!
Lie: I'm no longer a child, and thus God no longer allows me in or wants me in His presence.
Truth: I'M ALWAYS A CHILD OF GOD, AND HE WANTS ME IN HIS PRESENCE, AND LOVES ME SO MUCH.
BIG FAT LIE: I don't deserve a good future husband, because I'm not good enough and a terrible person.
Truth: I am amazing and deserve a good future husband, I'm redeemed and holy.
Lie: I'm not wanted, because my experiences have shown me that I'm consistently rejected.
Truth: I may have been rejected and had friends in different seasons, but I am so wanted, I'm so loved and meant to have long term and deep relationships. I am a good friend, I love people well and worthy of being loved in return.
Thanks for reading friends, it's been a roller coaster and there's definitely much more to discuss. If you have any questions, comments, want to talk to somebody or share your story, please feel free to message me!(Comment below or privately with the comment space at the bottom of the page).
YOU ARE SO LOVED!
God bless!
His Beloved, Marianna
P.S
And weekly memory verse is Revelation 12:11 And he defeated him by the blood of the lamb and the word of their testimony. For they did not love their lives so much that they were afraid to die.
If you want to join me in any bible reading, tonight its 2 Samuel 7-12, Ps 23-25, 100, 101, 123-125.
