Who ARE you?

This is the first time I've had to live away from home, to be my own person, and the first to know and find a reply within myself when someone looks me in the eyes and says, "Who ARE you?" and not have anyone around me who can speak up for me, or attest to my own belief of who I am.

Being away from home, you realize more and more what has impacted you most, where you've spent most of your energy, what has given you joy, and what has given you so much joy that without out it, there is a physical pain because its now lacking in your life.

In addition, I am constantly affronted with the growing reality of responsibility. Such as making dinners, being in charge of my health, managing finances, paying rent, grocery shopping, maintaining healthy social interactions, homework, time management, and being present but cognoscente of the imminent future.

Going home for Christmas break was absolutely refreshing to be taken care of, and to be around people I know and love. From game nights and the numerous festivities, I realized that first semester of BSSM, I had been trying too hard to be myself that I was no longer being myself. My actions and thoughts were all about trying to show people who I was and prove my identity and who I believed I was. Contrarily, at home I didn't have to do anything. Everyone knew me, I was allowed to just be. Being present is such a privilege and honor- to be accepted and valued without having to do anything, say anything, but enjoy the presence of another. At home I was allowed to just be, and it shocked me at first because I hadn't realized that I had been trying so hard at school that I forgot the simplicity of being. Then upon returning to school, my heart was freed of trying to prove who I was and I gave myself permission, as my mom says,"Just be you, you do you boo".

This acceptance of just "being", reflects unconditional love, true friendship, identity, and acceptance. It's beautiful to find people that will run with us in life, and also truly enjoy our friendship and presence. Occasionally this is hard for others, and me. 
Have you ever walked into a room of people, and immediately felt like you didn't belong?I have most definitely felt this way before- which may come as a surprise to those who know me. But I think everyone has experienced this at least once in their life.
On one occasion, I went to a girl's night with about 6 girls from my Revival/Community school group. We met a girl's house and were making dinner. I instantly felt like I didn't belong, and this weekend in particular God told me that he was exposing a lot of lies in my heart and expanding my heart to his unconditional love. So after being with the girls for awhile, talking with them and just having a nice time, I still couldn't get the thought "You don't belong here", out of my head. Thus, I took a step of boldness and vulnerability, and told them what I was thinking and feeling. Tears welled up in my eyes feeling the words on my tongue, but once lies are exposed to light and the open, truth is able to invade. One girl looked me in the eyes and said, "Oh that is definitely not true. You belong here, we love you, and if you  don't feel loved then we need to learn to love you better."
Instantly I was able to throw away the thought of not belonging because the truth was brighter, greater, and exposed my thought as being a lie.
Sometimes we don't realize we're believing a lie until exposed to truth. This is why it's important to be founded in truth so that any lie may be exposed and eradicated out of your heart and mind, and liberated to the fullness of your identity. Just being. Just being present is beautiful, and occasionally hard if your own heart chooses to believe that you're not worthy of being loved, you believe you won't be accepted or don't belong. And this could've been reinforced from past experiences, what people have told you... but in all reality we're not born believing these things. They're not true, you are SO worthy of being love, you're amazing. And Jesus died for you because he absolutely loves you.
Just as Adam was in the garden of Eden and he ate the fruit from the tree and realized he was naked, hid from God and God replied, "WHO TOLD YOU that you're naked?"
You're redeemed, eating the fruit and having sin enter in, opens the door to shame, and the thought that our bodies and lives aren't holy and worthy of being exposed to the presence of God. But this was never God's intention. WHO TOLD YOU, that you're ugly, that you're not worthy of love, that you don't belong?!
Because God NEVER said any of those things. And if someone told you, or it was your thought life, that's part of the enemy's plan to steal kill and destroy the God given identity that Papa has instilled in you and waiting for you to realize. When Christ enters into your life and heart, you realize who you really are because in Christ we truly live.

And being met by unconditional love. Being present not only with people because you were made for love, to love, and be loved. //Beloved// But also being present with the creator of the universe, and you. He wants to spend time you, just be with you, and you don't have to earn his love or affection. YOU DON'T HAVE TO EARN HIS LOVE OR AFFECTION. He loved you before you even acknowledged him or loved him back. He sent his son to die for you before you even wanted him in your life. He just wants to be present with you, 'Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you...' (James  4:8a).

All of this has been continually reinforced every day and in my heart here at BSSM. Being on my own and having everything that I could possibly associate with "Who I am" stripped away and know that I'm still loved and wanted- not having to work for love.

January's breakthroughs have been realizing that I had a 'stronghold' of rejection. A stronghold is a belief that we don't always recognized but influence our thoughts which trains your mind to find evidence for that stronghold. So for a stronghold of rejection, my mind instinctively would find evidence for why I was being rejected or unwanted. Such as thinking, "Oh my friend didn't ask me to sit with them, that's okay", but in my heart, subconsciously saying, "I'm not meant for deep relationships, they don't want to be close to me...". God showed me that I was believing this about myself and it was painful, and I was sobbing, but my roommate helped me say each lie aloud, and then laugh at them defeating Satan's plot. And then declaring the truths about being wanted, loved, created for long term, deep, and intimate relationships. Because under the stronghold, I was rejecting myself before other's could reject me. And this had been created through multiple rejections in the past that I had to forgive others for and give to God and no longer hold it in my heart and Jesus healed my heart and reminded me of who I am and created to be.

Most of my posts have been revolving around identity and healing lately, as you've probably noticed. I'm extremely passionate about other discovering who they are and finding freedom, because we're called to be free and live as Jesus lived- knowing who he was, not having to prove anything to the devil, but just knowing who he was and defying it with truth.

You are powerful, incredible, a world changer, and created for love.
I want to hear your story, and I'm willing to listen, so feel free to message or email me.  <3

And thus, the adventure of being on my own, an adult, walking in the fullness of my identity in Christ, because I remain in Him alone and He remains in me.
His Beloved,
Marianna