Chris.

I had a sleepless night, chatting on the phone and being goofy. It’s been 3 days, and today is the fourth. The first day, I was a wreck. The second, I let myself cry in the morning and sojourned on and had a great day. Day 3, I was even better, seeing posts didn’t “bother me”, I felt numb. That night I didn’t sleep.
Today, Day 4.  I waited on the couch sleeping-ish through Bridge Church sermon, and awaited for the roomies to start Bethel’s service. Once worship started playing in my half sleepy state. I started thinking about Chris playing worship and how I may never get to hear him play again, and our church and worship teams will never be the same. For he has put an imprint on everyone around him through how he worshiped and through gifted guitar playing. I thought about our church family, and Julie, and thought about hugging him.. and the tears came easily through my sleepless tired body and they started to shake me and pull me and I broke into a sob as the Live Stream sang about God's goodness.
First I saw images in heaven, and I saw memories of Chris. I remembered how he was always intentional to tell someone He loved them before he left. He always made sure you knew you were loved. And Jesus let me see Him, He said, “Mari I love you!”, and I ran to Him and hugged him. Every breath wavered and shook me. He apologized, with a moment of sadness in his eyes, but looking around was overcome with the joy and life around him.
In the background the lyrics from the worship set became, just one glance, just one moment in your presence, you become my everything. 

And I saw the light in Chris’ eyes, for he had become the most alive he has ever been. On earth he was full of joy, he is one of the most hilarious people I know. He always made you feel safe, loved, seen, and known. He is a protector, and I always viewed him as a brother, which was natural for most people. He always drew people in to be family around him. But even now, there was new freedom within him, a peace that surpasses all understanding as he looked around and looked at me. 

Chris, I miss you, you would’ve been so excited to see Dan and I dating! I wish I could have hung out with you more, spend time with you, worship with you again. A lot of people haven’t seen you since quarantined started. You are such a good brother to everyone around you, I love you so much Chris!
He hugged me, I wanted to know if he would've said anything to Julie... all I thought that he would've expressed the joy and that it's all better than they could have hoped or imagined.
And I saw him walk away. I felt my body go into another wave of shaking, and Jesus grabbed me. 

Mari let him go. Let him go, it’s okay.

 I saw a picture of Papa in his garden, where there's lines of gorgeous flowers- each one of his children. Chris was uprooted and then planted into the fields of heaven. Where he blossomed. I felt the uprooting in my chest and cried out in pain. But saw the joy on his face as he began talking to angels and people, meeting friends he didn’t think would be there, creating bands, asking people to play music with him, and learning more songs and creating new heavenly melodies.
Chris was always so friendly, and so ready to worship wholeheartedly. The worship played on, for almost an hour, and I crawled to one of my housemates realizing the need for human touch, for contact, covering, and comfort. I remembered times where I would normally run to be by myself, but now realizing the great victory, and beauty of having people there with you.I prayed for our church, and for everyone who knew him. Chris you are a gift to this world. So loved, so incredible. Thank you for your life, thank you for who you are.

Thank you Holy Spirit for your comfort. Thank you God for coming and holding me, and letting me cry, and sleep, and be still, and cry some more. I waited until I couldn’t cry anymore.
God you ARE so good.

Then I saw Jesus next to Chris as he took whatever he did, He watched his body in agony and warned him. But Chris couldn’t hear him. His body lay to the ground, and Jesus held him sobbing. We both sobbed there, watching his life fade out of his body.
This is very sad. Jesus said. We sobbed together. Mourned together.
God knows the ending to every story. He created life and death. But we are safely held in his hands, he holds the final word. Chris has been liberated to the promised land forevermore, and we are found in the Father's love. .

What do you need? If you need comfort, come. If you need love? Come. If you need to cry, come. If you need to scream, come. If you are angry, come. If you are numb, come. If you are in pain come. If you are grieving, come.

Let me hold you, be still with me, let me listen to your heart’s ache, it’s okay dear cry every tear, let me help you turn your heart back on- we’ll go deep together- we can get through this. Hold my hand dear one. Lovely child, come sit in my lap. This is very sad, I’m extremely mad at the enemy, but if it is not yet good.. It is not the end yet.